Again:
Before one dismisses this series of essays as being a "man-bashing" essay, without reading it, I think shifting the way we teach girls about sex and relationships will improve relationships for both men and women.
And, before one says -- "But, but, there are sexual predators out there!" I am WELL aware that there are sexual predators. Unfortunately, there will always be a contingent of the population that are sexual predators. I do not advocate for one second that a girl or woman let her guard down or ignore her intuition or take her safety lightly.
And, before you argue with me about what your religion or church says about women and sex, please know that I am NOT religious and am not about to take up a religion. One of the big reasons I am not religious is the way women are regarded in religions.
If the last two years have taught us
anything, it’s that Hollywood is still a sexist entity. We may see strong female role models in
movies; but, at the same time, we still see the same old stories with the same
sexist story lines being recycled over and over again. Why?
Because people pay to see them.
The common denominator is money.
It always is.
One
theme that seems to come up over and over in movies and television is
this: The perfect woman can turn a bad
man into a good one. Gee, that’s not a
crappy message, at all, to send to women and girls is it?!
The notion of “The Perfect Woman” isn’t
limited to movies and TV shows. Companies thrive by buying advertising time on television that tells
women that they need to be perfect.
According to many commercials, women need to:
- Have the perfect career
- Be the perfect mate
- Throw the perfect gathering
- Raise the perfect children
- Be the perfect housekeeper
- Have the perfect body
- Have the perfect hair
- Wear the perfect clothes
Contrast the message women get from commercials with the message
men get from commercials. The perfect
man is:
- A party animal.
- Can imbibe large amounts of alcohol
- A womanizer (better a woman on each arm, than one.)
- Is interesting
- Makes a lot of money
- Throws a good barbeque
Hmmmm.
No wonder women are from Venus and men are from Mars! We teach them to be this different from one
another.
Here are two movies, (one is a Rom-Com and
one is a Disney Princess movie) that foster the message that it takes the
perfect woman to turn a man into great husband material. If you haven’t seen Failure
To Launch or The Princess And The Frog, and want to, there are
going to be SPOILER ALERTS.
Failure to Launch:
Per IMDB:
A thirty-something is still living
with his parents until they hire an interventionist to help him graduate out of
the house. That's when the fun begins.
That’s innocent enough. But, here’s the real premise. Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker) is the
interventionist. How does she
intervene? She poses as the “perfect
woman”, she's attractive, great at conversation, she loves sports, plays sports,
loves his friends etc. etc. etc. Paula,
at one point is found out by one of Tripp’s (Matthew McConaughey) friends, who
then tells Tripp. She’s deeply sorry,
and professes that she really has feelings for him. And surprise, surprise she’s no different in
real life than she is pretending to be his girlfriend. So, they live happily ever after.
With the exception of “the
interventionist”, this theme is hardly new in Hollywood. From the time we are children, there are a
ton of movies and TV shows out there with the same theme: “Perfect Woman” turns
very imperfect man into the perfect gentleman – and eventually into the perfect
husband.
The Princess And The Frog:
Per IMDB: A waitress, desperate to fulfill her dreams as a restaurant owner, is
set on a journey to turn a frog prince back into a human being, but she has to
face the same problem after she kisses him.
He’s not a classic Disney prince. Prince Naveen’s blue-blooded family is out of
money, so he is actually supposed to marry Tiana’s best friend, Charlotte (whose
daddy has a ton of money) – or else he has to “get a job”. Prince Naveen is a womanizer, a gambler, a
playboy and does not believe in the value of work.
Because she’s not a real princess, Tiana
gets turned into a frog, as well, after kissing Prince Naveen in frog form to
try to break the spell. Together, they
are forced to search for a cure to their “frogginess”. During this time, Prince Naveen sees the
error of his ways, they fall in love, marry, she opens her restaurant, he works
with her. They live happily ever after. – The perfect woman turns a womanizer,
gambler and playboy into perfect marriage material.
Is this how we want to continue to raise
our daughters? – That if they are perfect enough they can turn any man into the
perfect man?
So, if a man ends up being a philanderer, a
gambler, a drug addict, an abuser, a dead-beat dad etc. etc. etc. He just doesn’t have the perfect enough woman
to cure him? If a man treats a woman badly, she’s just not perfect enough for
him to treat her well? Is that a bunch
of mentally-abusive, sexist bull-shit or what?
If Joe Average treats Jane Average poorly,
he’s not going to be turned into the perfect gentleman by dating or marrying the
latest Hollywood It-Girl or the latest supermodel. It just doesn’t work that way. The truth is, men, like women, are
responsible for their behavior. Past
behavior usually (not always) determines future behavior. No amount of perfection from the opposite sex
is going to change someone for the better unless they, themselves, want to
change for the better and work towards it.
I’m not advocating that we shield our
daughters from Disney Princess movies or Rom-Coms. I’m advocating that we have a dialogue with
our daughters when we see the media leading them astray from healthy notions of
relationships. Let them know that movies
and television shows are not realistic. (Don’t just assume that they realize
that.)
People don’t just live happily ever after
despite a tower of odds against them. Love does not conquer all. We
should be having a dialogue with our daughters about not losing the beautiful
person that they are in order to keep a man.
If she has to change who she is to keep a man, he is not worth
keeping. The things that bring her joy
in life are just as important as the things that bring him joy in life.
How much more is he going to ask her to give
up in the future once she starts giving up parts of herself? No relationship
should be based on the foundation of “I need to change you in order to be
happy". If she needs to change him in
order to be happy – she needs to look for someone else that already has those
qualities instead of beating her head against a wall, wondering why “she’s not
good enough to change him”.
Having a dialogue with both our sons and daughters about liberating them from unrealistic relationship expectations and the sexism that runs rampant in the media can help them both live on Earth rather than Venus and Mars.
Ta-Ta-For-Now!
Luna sitting on the egg carton --probably so she doesn't have to sit on the cold counter.
